There are many reasons you might want to convince a partner who’s shy, reserved, or bashful to open up a bit and talk more freely about sex. Yes, it can be seriously awesome to hear the person you’re dating talk about sex. But there are practical reasons to open up and maintain a comfortable dialogue on the topic, as well.
Being comfortable talking about sex makes it easier to overcome any sexual issues the two of you might ever have. It makes it less awkward to bring up the idea of trying something new in bed. And if you’re ever planning to have a family together at any point in the future, you’ll need to be talking relatively freely about sex first before you can take that step.
Thankfully, it’s not impossible to coax a shy partner to a place where they’re comfortable discussing sex on a day-to-day basis. You just need the right approach. Here are some tips to start with.
1. Don’t make things too serious.
Although sex is an important topic that you should be talking about, it’s important not to treat it like overly serious business, especially if your partner’s already shy when it comes to the topic. In other words, this isn’t a conversation that should start with you sitting them down, looking them dead in the eyes, and telling them, “We really need to talk.”
The best time to get some conversation flowing on the topic is when you’re already in bed together having a good time, especially either just before or after making love. But don’t be afraid to take advantage of times the topic comes up naturally because of something on TV, stories that involve friends, and so forth.
2. Try some dirty talk in the bedroom.
There’s nothing like actual sex to loosen a person’s tongue a little. That said, introducing some dirty talk to the mix when you’re already going at it hot and heavy can be a great way to get some conversation flowing, in general.
Get the ball rolling by saying something a little dirty or flirty yourself. Then prompt your partner to follow suit by asking them how something you’re doing feels or otherwise leading them in the direction you want them to go. They might find the opportunity to open up thrilling and arousing. The sex will be pretty hot, too.
3. Try talking in the third person.
If what you’re really wanting to do is talk to your partner a bit about something you enjoy sexually or sometimes fantasize about, but you’re worried that might intimidate them, you can try switching to the third person. Instead of talking about yourself, tell them about a “friend of a friend” who’s into something or pretend you’re simply relaying something you saw on TV.
If your partner leans into the idea, go with the flow. (You can even admit that you were actually talking about yourself at that point, if you like.) If they seem comfortable with the conversation, consider asking them to share a fantasy, a turn-on, or a past experience of their own.
4. Show your partner you’re safe to talk to.
The last thing you want to do once you finally get a shy person to open up about sex is make them sorry they ever did it. Never judge anything your partner tells you about their sexual self or their intimate past. It doesn’t matter how little you like the idea of something specific they said they’re into or that they used to do with a past partner.
Consider how much bravery and trust it took for your partner to open up to you. And if they listened patiently and considerately to you talk about your confessions, keep that in mind, too. Ultimately, people need to know that their partners are emotionally safe people to talk to about absolutely anything, sex included.
5. Try opening your horizons with a flirty Q&A session.
Although it will take time for everyday conversation about sex to flow comfortably if you have a shy partner, you’ll get there if you make it a regular part of the way you two interact. Practice makes perfect. The more you talk about sex, the more comfortable you’ll both ultimately become talking about sex even more.
Once you’ve done that, try expanding your repertoire a bit by taking things to a new level. Take turns asking each other flirty, dirty questions and swapping pet sexual fantasies. Turn your exchanges into a game to bring you closer together. Or write your ideas down to explore together at a later date.
Just let your exchanges evolve naturally. You’ll love what it does for your connection together, both in and out of the bedroom.
