Having sex with a queer partner for the very first time can be an exciting experience. But it can be a nerve-wracking one, as well, and with good reason. Of course, you want the other person to have a good time while also feeling respected, considered, and emotionally safe.
Nerves are natural, though, especially when you’re brand new to queer sex, but a little preparedness goes a long way. Here are some pointers for going into things as ready and informed as possible.
Go over what you know about consent
Consent isn’t just important in traditional male-female situations. It’s a crucial consideration no matter what type of sex you’re considering or with whom, including any that involves one or more queer people.
Yes, it’s essential that both you and your partner consent to everything going on. That means being 100 percent comfortable with every aspect of your encounter. There’s a huge difference between being nervous and being uncomfortable, so you’ll want to ensure you’re feeling one and not the other.
Redefine how you think of sex
If you’re not queer yourself, then the chances are pretty good that you’re socialized to see sex as penetrative in nature. You probably also take it for granted that a sexual activity needs an end goal – likely orgasm, particularly for the male partner.
Most queer people see things very differently. For many, penetrative sex of any kind isn’t on the menu at all, and more queer people than you might think aren’t concerned with ensuring every encounter ends with an orgasm.
Sex can and should be about doing what feels good and right to both of you. So, queer up your approach to sex and don’t be afraid to think outside the box a little and experiment. There are so many incredible ways to experience and give pleasure – options that so many hetero/cis people undervalue or overlook entirely.
Talk things over with your partner
It’s honestly never a good idea to assume anything to do with sex, queer or otherwise. What’s par for the course for one person might be way off the beaten trail for another, and the only way to know the difference is to communicate, even if it’s not easy.
Many folks don’t entirely realize that they’ve mostly seen queer sex through the eyes of heterosexual people who like to fantasize about it more than they care to understand it. So, start by mentally dismissing everything you think you know about how queer people make love or experience pleasure thanks to porn, television, or the movies.
Then sit your partner down for some frank discussion. (It’s okay if it’s flirty and fun, as opposed to all business and super serious.) Discuss what you each like in bed, as well as what feels good both physically and emotionally. Listen to what your partner has to say. If you’re unsure about anything in particular, just ask.
Do a little pre-shopping
Although the use of fun additions like lubes, toys, or accessories isn’t exclusive to queer people, they’re more likely to have embraced those things. As with the notion that real sex is penetrative, non-queer people often still see those things as options you reach for only when necessary.
In actuality, they can really bring a lot to the table for absolutely anyone. Gender-neutral choices like non-penetrative vibrators produce unique sensations that potentially feel good to anyone’s anatomy. And lubes can help smooth your way during non-vaginal penetrative play, mutual masturbation, and lots more.
So, discuss some of those options with your partner while you’re talking about topics like consent, turn-ons, preferred sex acts, and so forth. Then stock up on some picks you think might come in handy during your future play sessions.
Prepare to have safe sex
Although safety and sexual health are topics everyone should prioritize, non-queer people often focus on pregnancy prevention and not much else. So, resist the temptation to throw caution to the wind in the event pregnancy isn’t something you’ll have to worry about with your queer partner.
Keep options like condoms or dental dams around and use them accordingly. Be sure to practice hygienic sex, as well. For example, you should always fully sanitize toys with a spray-on, wipe-off toy cleaner before switching from anal stimulation to any other type of play.
Relax and have fun with your partner
Sure, having sex with a queer partner for the first time requires some consideration, but it doesn’t have to be something that stresses you out. Sex at its very best is fun, light-hearted, comfortable, and easygoing. It’s okay not to know everything going in, especially when you’re with a new partner.
It’s okay to laugh and be spontaneous, as well. Yes, it’s great to be prepared, but there’s no need to overthink or overdo anything. Great queer sex has more in common with the sex you’re used to than you might think. It’s all about being open, curious, and willing to learn as you go.
