Sex isn’t just an essential part of any relationship. It’s one of the most crucial factors in helping long-term committed relationships stay healthy over time, so it’s not hard to understand why so many couples work hard to keep the spark alive. That’s easy to do initially but a lot tougher as you get more and more used to one another.
Knowing what to do to keep sex fresh, frequent, and exciting is only half the battle, though. The other half is all about knowing what not to do. The following are some of the more common mistakes most couples make when it comes to sex. How many of them look familiar?
You rarely to never talk about sex.
Happy, connected couples aren’t just having sex. They’re also comfortable talking about sex regularly. How often do you and your partner do that? How good are you at being honest with one another regarding your needs, desires, and wants? Many people never quite get to that place because they’re shy or perhaps just afraid of being judged, but it’s essential to try.
Your partner isn’t psychic, and neither are you. The only way to get what you want out of your sex life (and make sure your partner is getting the same) is to talk about those things. Try mutually declaring a judgment-free zone and going for it. Don’t sweat it if it’s awkward at first. Practice makes perfect!
You only have sex when you’re in the mood.
Once you’ve reached the point in your relationship where you’re sharing living space and a full roster of adult responsibilities with your partner, it’s just a fact that you’re not going to feel sexy 100 percent of the time. However, assuming that you need to be in the mood to get down and dirty to actually do that is a huge mistake.
If you’re like most people, the desire to have sex often follows physical arousal, not the other way around. (This tends to be especially true of women.) That said, try simply going along with things even if you’re not feeling it at first. You might find you’re more into the idea than you thought once things get started. Remember, if you’re short on time, energy, or both, quickies can be just as enjoyable as something more involved.
You don’t switch things up anymore.
Sex with someone you love and have been with for a long time can be super comfortable, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. There’s something to be said for knowing exactly what works for one another and sticking to it. After all, you want to satisfy one another, so why not just keep doing what you’re used to, so long as it’s still working?
The problem with that approach to sex is it’s easier than you think to get stuck in a rut. You can wind up forming routines and sticking to methods that aren’t working or, perhaps, aren’t working anymore. Make sure you’re still going out of your way to try new things and explore new territory once in a while to keep things fresh. It can be something as simple as a new position, getting down in a new room of the house, or adding a new toy to the mix.
You’re playing the comparison game.
It’s human nature to wonder whether you’re normal or “enough” like everyone else out there when it comes to your relationship, sex life, or both. This is especially the case when the average person is positively bombarded with sexual images every day. You’ve got to resist the temptation to compare what you and your partner do to the type of theater you see playing out in porn or on TV, though.
Keep in mind that television isn’t real life, and neither is porn. There’s really no such thing as “normal,” either. There’s only what feels good to you and your partner, so just be yourselves, and stop worrying about how you measure up to everyone else out there.
You’re neglecting your emotional connection.
Your sexual connection has a stronger connection to your emotional one than you and your partner may realize. Both are essential for a healthy, happy relationship that’s thriving in every way that counts, so make sure you’re focusing enough energy on both.
How often do you and your partner sit down and really talk? Discussing what to have for dinner or what to do about Little Timmy’s grades doesn’t count. Life has a way of eating up every waking moment if you let it, leaving people with nothing left for their partners at the end of the day. Ensure the two of you spend a minimum of 30-60 minutes of quality time together every day — no phones, no TVs, and no kids. Your relationship will thank you for it!
