Maybe you’ve been interested in kink for a long time and are trying to figure out how to tell a new partner. Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for a long time and you think making things a little kinkier would be a great way to add some spark to your sexual repertoire. Whatever the case may be, knowing you’re interested in living out your own personal version of Fifty Shades of Grey is one thing. Figuring out how best to make that happen is another.
The fact of the matter is there’s a fine art to exploring the kinkier side of sex with a partner, so it’s only natural to have questions. Where’s the best place for someone new to kink to start? How do you bring up a delicate topic like this with a partner? What’s the best way to explore toys and other gear? The following are some must-know tips to help you take the guesswork out of the equation for everyone involved.
1. Take a moment to actually identify your kinks
It goes without saying that communication is the key when it comes to lots of things about being in a relationship. It’s no different when you’re looking to introduce something new into your sex life together. However, before you can explain a kink to your partner, you need to understand it yourself.
Understanding the things that turn you on is only partly about acknowledging your attraction to certain ideas. It’s also important to have some idea why that certain something turns you on. It’ll make it a lot easier to discuss it with your partner. Talking openly and in detail about a kink is also one of the best ways to get your partner excited about trying it too.
2. Start off by talking about hypothetical situations
If you’re already 100% sure of how your partner would respond if you brought up the idea of light bondage or risqué public sex, you’re one of the lucky ones. Many people have no real idea and are secretly worried about the other person responding with apprehension or even disgust. One great way to approach the subject if that’s the case for you is to bring it up as a hypothetical. It helps remove the possibility of judgment from the equation altogether.
For instance, you could try telling your partner you had a dream about the two of you where you were acting on a particular kink that you have. Go ahead and include all the gory details. Then see how your partner reacts and responds. The chances are probably better than you think that they’ll be intrigued by the idea and if that’s the case, it should be pretty easy to proceed with the discussion from there.
3. Pop culture references can be pretty helpful as well
Have you ever noticed how easily and naturally something like a book you’re reading or a movie you’ve both seen together can seep into everyday conversation? Pop culture is positively packed with steamy scenes and kinky references, especially these days. Try using an option that gels with the idea you want to bring up and seeing how it goes.
Are you chomping at the bit to try (or at least discuss) something you read in Fifty Shades? Leave a copy lying out in the bedroom or somewhere else you’ve been known to leave your reading material du jour. Then reference it in conversation if you see an in. Know of a scene in a movie you’d love to replicate with your beloved? Try suggesting that film for your next movie night and see if they find that scene as hot as you do.
Again, people are often more open and curious than we figure they’re going to be when it comes to sex. And hey, if your worst nightmare happens and they react by wrinkling their nose and exclaiming that they would never do something so disgusting, at least you know for sure that it’s a no-go.
4. Try sneaking mini doses of kink into your routine
Sometimes the best way to start exploring kink together is to just go for it sometime. When you’re completely embroiled in a really hot and dirty session, your inhibitions are already at their lowest and so are your partner’s. There’s no better time to suggest exploring something new to the mix.
We’re definitely not suggesting you whip a pair of fetish handcuffs out of nowhere and shackle your partner to the bed without warning or anything. However, a little dirty talk or even a light swat on the backside is most likely going to be acceptable to pull out of your bag of tricks, even if it’s a little out of left field for you. Your partner may well really like what you’re throwing down and respond with total eagerness.
5. Introduce toys into the mix first
If you haven’t already done so, you might also want to consider introducing sex toys into your sexual repertoire as a couple. They occupy a really comfortable middle ground between bare-bones vanilla sex and kinkier options. They’re also a great way to open the door to exploring new sensations together as a couple, as well as get you both communicating in regards to what does and doesn’t turn you both on.
Try using a wand massager to treat your partner to a soothing muscle treatment after a long day at work and see if they’re open to taking the good vibrations downtown once they begin to relax. You can also try a couple’s sex toy like a vibrating cock ring or a small vibrating bullet that’s ideal for use on a wide variety of sensitive body parts. Even bringing a new lube into the mix can be a great way to get your partner excited about experimenting more.
6. Do your homework first
Once you do reach a point where you’re ready to start introducing kinkier options into the mix and/or exploring fetishes together, it’s a good idea to do a little research first, especially if you’re getting into kink yourself for the very first time. Do this even if you’re relatively sure you know what you’re doing.
It’s important to do things safely and not everything you read about in novels like Fifty Shades or see in the movies is on the up and up from a safety standpoint. You want to make each other feel good, not hurt each other or risk causing permanent damage. Consult a solid sex resource before you play so you can make sure you’re doing everything properly. Such resources are bound to include a few bright ideas for enjoying the kink experience more as well.
7. Start slow and build from there
A lot of people make the mistake of thinking they have to dive right into the deep end of the pool right away when nothing could be further from the truth. Baby steps are definitely the way to go when you’re introducing kink into a relationship that didn’t previously include it.
Don’t feel like you need to break out the really hardcore gear the first time you and your partner try bondage together. Start small with a blindfold and some simple restraints (or even some silk scarves). Start with some spanking first, graduate to a soft leather paddle next, and work your way up to picking out a custom flogger together later. You get the picture.
8. When you’re ready to upgrade, make sure you choose gear wisely
Sooner or later, you and your partner will probably decide you’re ready to try even more new things together and that’s great. However, it’s still important to keep safety in mind at all times. For instance, let’s say both of you are really interested in exploring anal play. Approaching things the wrong way or the way you’ve seen it done in porn could be uncomfortable at best, dangerous at worst.
Understand that as good as anal penetration can feel, you’re still making use of an opening that wasn’t necessarily designed for that purpose. Proceed with care, not to mention lots of lube. Also, make sure you use vibrators, plugs, dildos, or other insertable toys that were made with anal play in mind. You’ll notice that toy descriptions on all of your favorite websites will specify whether or not something is compatible with the kind of play you’re interested in.
9. Don’t be afraid not to be perfect
It’s only natural to worry about “doing it wrong” when it comes to something like kink play, but you really shouldn’t, especially if both you and your partner are new to this. Fantasies often look one way in our heads and play out imperfectly in real life… and that’s totally fine. Give yourselves permission to be imperfect or to go off script unexpectedly and involuntarily.
At the end of the day, there’s no one way to be kinky. Don’t be afraid to do things your own way and to put your own spin on things. Just go with the flow, relax, and let it all unfold naturally. You’ll fall into the perfect groove in no time.
